The Death March from Hell

It was bound to happen that out of all the hiking trips (ok...death marches) that I have taken that one would turn out not so great.  Just so happens that I enlisted many of my good friends to go along on this trip.  It started out innocently enough.  Since we are selling our house and our open house was scheduled for Sunday, I thought that the best way to spend the day away from home would be to take a lovely walk in the woods.  So, I gathered up my peeps and scoped out the best hike for the lot of us.  This is where the trouble started.....

You see, I have been to this place before but the hikes we have taken were along a bluff.  That scared me to death since we would have several small kids with us.  Therefore, I set out to find a wonderful trail that passed waterfalls and was easy and steered away from the bluffs.  According to all the things I read online, this trail met up with the network of all the other trails that looped back around to the parking lot that we started out at.  Great.....sounded like a good plan. 

Sunday morning, we met up at around 10:45 and headed off for the woods.  It was windy but beautiful outside and since we had a torrential downpour and tornado warnings the day before, I was all happy and stuff.  All was going according to plan....there were four adults and five kids in our group and we were meeting up with two more adults and two more kids at the trail head.  We had a picnic planned, plenty of water, and snacks in our back packs.  We were following behind our friend "Trooper" in his truck.  As we were getting off of the interstate, we see a big puff of smoke and some commotion up ahead......turns out the van in front of Trooper busted a transmission spraying his truck with transmission fluid.  Still not that big of a deal but we had to get the stuff off of there none the less and Mr. H.B. was panicking in my car because my gas tank wasn't on F.  He thinks that if you don't have over half a tank that you are on E.  Since we had to stop anyway, we filled up and trooper got some change for the car wash and proceeded to wash the truck.  I should have seen this as an omen but no.....we pressed on. 

We all met up at the trail head and had lunch as planned.  Yay.....now on to the woods.  I picked up the map and actually looked at the trail description of the trail I had been wanting to take.  I didn't actually look at the trail on the map....you see where this is going - no where good.  Anyhoo....we all suited up and headed down the trail.  Did I mention that we had kids with us....ages 5 to 18........and my short little weiner dog??? Yes ma'am, we did!  Now Mr. H.B. must have heard that there was a buffet at the end of this trail because he shot out into that trail like a man on a mission.  Funny thing is that the 5 year old and the 18 year old hung in there with him.....they led the pack and left us in the dust.  We hiked and hiked and hiked and hiked....all the while trying to keep up with the Magellan's that were leading the pack.  After a few short stops and a few hours, I started thinking.....we should be outta here by now and the kids were really getting tired.  We had been hiking steady at near break neck speed and we were now skirting the edges of the Savage Gulf.  I was starting to see land features that surely the indians were the last to see.  Mr. H.B. and two of the boys had been almost flattened by a falling tree and my dog was giving me the evil eye.  So, I pulled out the map.  Now why I didn't decide to do this an hour or so before was beyond me but I didn't.  The more I looked at the map, the more worried I got.  Everyone was snacking and resting all around me and my heart was racing wondering how in the hades I was gonna tell them that we had been headed not in a loop but straight into the middle of a network of trails that stretched on for miles and miles and nowhere near civilization.  Well, there was a primitive campground a few miles up ahead but it was Sunday afternoon.  We had only passed one lone sole in the last two hours.  It was 4:00....p....m....!  WTH!!  I finally summoned up the courage to tell everyone and the panic started.  There were all manners of peeps that we should have been in contact with by then and we were stuck on the top of a mountain with no cell service 5 miles or so in on a hiking trial that led nowhere.  We did manage to get some spotty service on one phone so we called and left a message for one of the daddys that stayed home with a sick young 'un and called the ranger's station.  The ranger's station had an answering machine that said to call the sherrif's dept.  but what were they gonna do?  By the time all that had been accomplished it would have been dark.   The only thing we could do was head back...and fast.  After walking on a little to make sure we were correct about where we thought we were, we all sucked it up and turned around and hauled butt.  I must admit that I felt the evil glares being thrown my way and I am sure that Mr. H.B. and a few others entertained the idea of throwing me off of the mountain.  However, we did manage to get out in 2 1/2 hrs and before dark.  I was never so glad to see that ranger's station....it was like Christmas morning when you are a kid.  All glittery and stuff.....or maybe that was my exhaustion kicking in.

So now I must use this blog for good and apologize to all my wonderful hiking buddies who toughed it out with me (and who didn't throw me over the edge of the mountain).  I will forever be in debt to these people and I am now obligated to find some way to make it up to them and their tired feet.  I know that most of us are more sore than we ever thought we would be.   All in all, we guess that we walked at least 10 miles.  I am pretty sure it was more but we don't know exactly how far into the trail we were.  I think the tick tally is like 50, including my little doggie who had 10 on her.  I may never get Mr. H.B. on a trail with me again and I think it is safe to say that my friends are out too......*sigh*  I guess it is a good thing I am moving to the beach.  We really did have a good time though.  The kids and adults were fabulous.  There wasn't too much complaining and everyone hung in there like troopers.  Even the 5 yo who waited until almost the end before he collapsed and cried, "I just can't go anymore!".

I take the full blame for this death march from hell......and I promise I will never lead another hike that the path is not verified by at least two other people.  I am now thinking though that if I can ever get Martha Stewart to go hiking with me, I will take her here and "get lost".  Maybe I can pick her brain for all her ideas along the way.  I mean, what could be the harm in that?

It takes a village to name a child.....

I have recently been blessed with the knowledge of an impending addition of another member of our family. NO!!!! Not me....my sister-in-law, whom I like to refer to as Lil Mama. Partly because I think it is fitting and partly because she once declared that she would forever be childless. All that changed a year or more ago when she decided that her life needed a little tyrant, I mean little angel. She then turned her focus from declaring war on the corporate world to creating a life. Voila...here we are, five months into the incubating of a sweet little baby. Seeing as how I and Mr. H.B.'s mom are so enamored with babies, I doubt Lil Mama will ever see it once it pops out so I am thrilled!!

Since she is 5 months prego, we do now know that it is a little girl and the planning has begun. We are well into the process of turning Lil Mama from a hard-nosed business woman into a soft-hearted puddle of mush, which we all become once we have our hearts walking around on two sweet little feet outside our bodies. The first problem that we encountered was getting Lil Mama over the "I hate pink so I am going to outfit my little girl in green and blue" issue. Lil Mama has a problem with all things that are girly such as flowery prints, pink, lace, ruffles, and oh yea.....PINK!!! So, the first thing that the Horse's Butt's mom did upon hearing the glorious news of the baby being a girl was to go out and buy a pink blanket and a baby doll. I mean, let's not ease her into this, let's just throw Lil Mama into the middle of the pink lake and let her learn how to swim. Turns out, it didn't make her throw up! This would be success numero uno!!! Yay! Item numero dos was that Lil Mama's best friend bought the baby a sweet little outfit, complete with a giant flower on the butt! Turns out that Lil Mama loved it! Awesome....she's getting there faster than I thought. Item numero tres is the issue of the baby bedding. Since I am a marthawannab, I have convinced Lil Mama that I can make the baby bedding. Don't be scared!!! I made all of the bedding for Drama Queen when she was a baby and several other little one's so I am up for the challenge. The biggest hurdle is getting Lil Mama to steer away from the bedding that is listed under what you would buy for a boy. Not that she wants her baby to be like a boy, she just likes blue, green, brown....you know....colors for a boy! However, after sending several ideas back and forth via email and much searching on her part, she has finally chosen bedding that she likes. And it is adorable! Turns out, it is brown and blue....and covered in flowers. Shows what I know!

All this brings me to the point of this whole blog......the baby name seems to be quite elusive. Turns out, you not only need a village to raise a child, sometimes you need a village to name one. The only names that Lil Mama likes so far are boy names. With the revelation of the ultrasound however, the need for a little girl name has arrived (naturally). For the past few weeks, more and more people have gotten in on the baby naming game. Friends and family members far and wide have been enlisted to submit their favorite girl names in hopes that the "right" name pops up. We all know just how important this decision is. Mr. H.B. fully believes that a name makes a person. For once, I agree with him (somewhat). It is entirely feasible that there is a gorgeous girl out there somewhere named Myrtle but I have yet to meet her. If you know her, please send me a pic. I will gladly send her a tide stain stick (sorry, that's all I got). I desperately feel, along with Nonna, that this baby needs a name now. I have to have something to call her instead of just "baby". The urge to name the little buggar has gotten stronger the past few days and there are names coming out of the woodwork. Tonight, I had Lil Mama on the phone, Mr. H.B. in the recliner googling names, and both Drama Queen and Game Head firing off whatever the names of the kids in their classes were. It was all mayhem and madness on the baby naming front until Lost came on to take Lil Mama away and the kids headed off to bathe and get to bed. There are lists lying all around me like dead bodies of baby names. Yet, we are still at ground zero. Baby naming, as it seems, is a battle field. I seem to remember something like this happening when I was prego with Drama Queen but I am trying to block it out.

So, with no name that is a "go" yet and a baby getting bigger every day, I submit the rules for naming our little cutie....


1. The name cannot be the same as a friend, ex, dog, friend's kid, city, or month.

2. It has to have two syllables.

3. If possible, the first name should end in ....lyn (cause we want it to)

4. If possible, should not be a routine, popular, trendy name. This little girl should have a name that is all her own.

I am sure there are more rules but my eyes are blurred from looking at the web pages and web pages of baby names and the number 4 above is starting to look like a 14. I think I may need to consult Martha on this. I'll bet she would have an answer.....

*I got this image from http://www.tottiteaz.com/new.html and I am totally buying this for little whatever her name will be!

The perils of yardwork

Last Wednesday was the sort of day that made me sure that I definitely wanna become Martha Stewart (not that I had any doubt before mind you, but reaffirmation is nice).  I got up cranky.  Well, I always get up cranky.  I don't sleep enough.  I always have a reason for this but it's really my fault.  My mind won't shut down and I do not encourage it.  I like to a start project late at night or read a book that I just can't put down.  Who can sleep when there are so many more hours left in order to cover more ground.  I mean, I can sleep when I die.  Anyway, I digress.....so, I got up cranky.  Took the kids to school, after much yelling and complaining and got back to the house.  Wednesday's are my day off from the job that helps pay the bills.  These days are chock full of appointments, house work, etc.  They are also Shimmy days but I will save that tidbit for later.  Today's Wednesday was yard work day.  A few weeks ago, everything was brown and wintery..we even had snow.  Yesterday, I noticed that my weeds in the front flower bed almost reached my kid's windows and all my flowers were blooming.  It was truly amazing. 

Off to work I went.....pulled the biggest weeds I have ever seen all morning.  They were tenacious little buggers.  I filled up the wheel barrow and my husband's trailer!  In the midst of the weed pulling, I realized that I had an ant problem.  I have noticed a few here and there inside the house and wondered where they are coming from.  I quickly found that they are living quite contentedly in my flower beds.  So, I put ant killer on my list and continued my laboring.  We have a flower bed full of rocks smack dab in the middle of the yard.  I know a lot of people do this but I hate it.  I HATE it.  That's because I like to plant and replant.  I like to move flowers and shrubs.  Rocks make this difficult.  Also, weeds will eventually grow through whatever kinds of barrier you put under the rocks and pulling them is rough through the rocks!!  Therefore, I have weeds and grass that have a permanent, happy home in the flower bed full of rocks.  Today was the day to eradicate them.  I got out Mr. H.B.s weedeater.  Tried many times to crank the cussed thing to no avail.  Thank goodness I went into the backyard so no one could see me embarrass myself trying to crank it.  After multiple tries to crank it and choke it and all that other stuff you are suppoed to do, I look down and realize it is out of gas.  Great!  Mr. H.B. probably did that on purpose so I wouldn't use it.  I can't be detered that easy!  I looked all over the garage and found the can labeled for the weedeater and filled the bad boy up.  Cranked on the first try if you can believe that.... After getting over my embarrassment at the weedeater incident, I head off to get the weeds I couldn't pull up.  I managed to get all the ones I could but still needed to kill the roots of the little demons in the rock flower bed.  I headed off to Lowe's and bought everything in site.  I don't know if it worked but I guess we will see.  At least I got to visit the plant department at Lowe's.  That place is awesome.  If only I could just bring all those pretty plants and flowers home with me and set them up in the backyard.  Well I guess I could but they call that theft seeing as how I would have to second mortgage my home to buy all that stuff and I would probably just kill it all anyway.

So.......my point in telling all this is that the next day the weedeater didn't work.  I SWEAR I didn't do anythign to it.  However, The Horse's Butt was rather peeved and tried really, really hard not to blame me but I know he is secretly wishing that he had hidden that container of weedeater gas.  As for me, I plead the fifth.  If he had eradicated the little suckers to start with, I wouldn't have had to use the weedeater.  See....it's always his fault.  I am sure Martha would see it my way!

The DOs and DON'Ts of hosting the Dizzle Army

My Dizzle's left today :( which has me waxing nostalgic about their visit.  Therefore, I have compiled a list of all the DOs and DONTs of hosting a visit from the Dizzles.....

10.  DON'T let the Silver Bullet out without a leash  (see the Silver Bullet blog...)

9.  DO buy plenty of food and plan of feeding the likes of an Army.  In fact, I am calling them the Dizzle Army now.  They know how to eat.

8.  DON'T take Bdizzle and Mcdizzle to any more Whisky Distilleries.  Mcdizzle refused to go on the tour this trip because he hated it so bad last visit and Bdizzle now vows she has joined him (she missed it last time).  They think it smells like vomit.  Drama Queen also refuses to go back due to the same reason.  We took her on like 4 distillery tours one summer because we had so many visitors.  Now you can say the words "Jack Daniels" and she turns green.  I think it's funny, I don't know why.

9.  DON'T leave a plastic water bowl in the kennel with the Silver Bullet while you are gone.  It will not be whole when you get back.  She has separation anxiety and takes it out on the plastic.  When I took Pdizzle and Mcdizzle to the park yesterday, I left her a glass bowl of water.  She picked up the towel I left her to lay on and put it in the bowl full of water.  I guess she showed me....

7.  DO take them on death marches.  The only reason I say this is because I like to go hiking and it's a good reason for me to make my family go too.  Bwahahahahahaha......

6.  DON'T take a cranky Pdizzle to dinner and make him sit in a high chair.  He wants his own booth dang it.  If you try to do this he will sling a fork at you.  Been there.

5.  DON'T make any sudden noises at night or early in the morning.   When the Silver Bullet gets startled, she makes Dino from the Flintstones seem tame.  And Mr. H.B. is not really her favorite person so anything he does makes her bark like Dino too.

4.  DO give Pdizzle lots of t.v. safe balls to play with.  He is aspring to be the next great baseball or football hero and I think some major recruiters are after him already judging from the power behind that kid's arm.  (I was going to insert some clever sports players name here but I am sports illiterate for the most part so I refrained so as to not embarrass myself.)

5.  DO make sure you have an Internet connection that can handle some traffic!  I think at one time we had a P.C., like 4 laptops, and a couple of phones hooked up to the wireless Internet.  We were probably all sitting in the same room at one time all on Facebook.  You would think we could just spend time talking to each other but No, not us.

4.  DON'T let Pdizzle know you have the camera pointed at him if you want a good picture.  He's not having it no way, no how.  We finally learned to each take a camera and go at him from all sides.  Worked pretty good.....except when they took family pictures at Rutledge Falls.  Since I was the only one with a camera, it was a little bit trickier.  Yet, somehow we managed to get some good ones of him.  That's skill right there.

3.  DON'T expect to see a lot of Game Head and McDizzle.  They disappeared into "Loserscape" (Runescape) and pretty much stayed there the whole visit.  I'm not complaining, it was entertainment for them....

2.  DON'T let Madizzle and Funkitated near the big exercise ball.  They turned into some kind of weird see-saw while Madizzle was trying to work out the soreness from the death march.  It was kinda hard to watch....even harder to explain.

1.  DO plan on having a good time!  We did, as always, and I can't wait to do it all over again!!!!  Martha surely couldn't have had a better time on her visit to Winchester.  See..... she should have come to see me ;)