Ghetto Halloween costumes

A recent post from a friend on facebook has got me thinking about all the Halloween costumes we have had all through the years.  I know it may come as a shocker but I don't buy costumes, I make them.  There have been a few exceptions to that rule but generally they are straight from scratch.  I pride myself in being imaginative and creative in this arena but I must admit sometimes I fall short of "professional".  Don't be shocked......it's true (bwahahahahah....I crack myself up).  As Halloween is quickly approaching, I thought I would reminisce about my handiwork......

The post that brought costumes to mind was a mother's desire to find her daughter a Scooby Doo costume for Halloween this year.  Now Game Head had a fixation with a brown blankie for the better part of his babyhood.  He was absolutely obsessed with this thing.  I remember one particular time that we forgot said blankie on a trip to Jacksonville, FL and he screamed for the entire 3 or so hour trip.  So much so that as soon as I got there, some friends and I headed for WalMart (back when they sold fabric) and bought the only brown material we could find.  It was a Jersey knit (tee shirt material for all you non-Marthawannab's) instead of fleece like his usual blankie but he accepted the psuedo blankie for the entire duration of the trip.  When we returned home, he went back to the original blankie so I had a couple of yards of brown material on hand.  By this time, the material had a couple of holes in it and wasn't much good for anything.  EXCEPT that Game Head was in love with Scooby Doo.  So much so that he was watching it in the labor and delivery room as Drama Queen was born but that is an entirely different blog.  Anyhoo.....as Halloween approached, I realized that I could easily make a Scooby Doo costume with this brown pusdo blankie material.  I strategically placed black dots over the holes in the material and followed a pj jumper pattern and voila.....Scooby Doo.  I still have this costume......it's gay but I love it.  I have visions of Game Head's child wearing this costume one day and NOONE better squash my dreams O.....K......!!!!!!

As for other costumes, we have run the gamat.  We have had a homemade jelly fish, a butcher, a cowgirl, and numerous other precious memory-making costumes.  I made my BFFs little girl a belly dancer outfit and one year her son was Peter Pan and Drama Queen was tinkerbell (I made that one wayyyyy to short but she was like 2 so it was o.k. that her diaper was hanging out).  I get this from my mother.  One year she made me a rubiks cube....NO, I am not kidding.  You would be surprised what you can do with a box and some paint.  It was a hit and I am trying to talk Game Head into letting me make him one this year....he still says "NO".  Speaking of boxes, my BFFs husband was Spongebob one year and it was awesome. 

So.....my point is that you can do anything you want for Halloween but make it original.  It may be ghetto but the memories you make will be priceless.   It is fun putting together a costume at 5:00 on Halloween with glue, gum, and masking tape (REALLY).   Martha would use quality materials and a seamstress but what fun would that be?  Silly Martha......

P.S.  I totally borrowed the cute baby taco from http://www.funny-potato.com/images/halloween/costume-babies/baby-halloween-suggestion.jpg and I, for one, think Harper would me a beautiful taco this year.  Lil Mama may have something to say about that though.............

Ode to Mr. H.B.

For those of you that know me personally (besides as marthawannab) you know that Mr. H.B. officially retired this weeks from the Air Force.  After 20 years as a military man, I seriously don't know how he will be a civilian.  You know how these military men are....they have a pattern to say the least.  He is boasting of being a free man.....no more short hair cuts (yea right....he freaks out when his hair touches his ears) and being able to grow a goatee, much to Nonna's chagrin.  I guess those things remain to be seen. 

So, as Mr. H.B. turns the page in his life from one chapter to another, I have been reflecting on how he actually earned his nickname of Mr. H.B. and how he is really not a horse's butt at all.  He sure takes a lot of hits from me in that regard and doesn't seem to mind at all that I put all our business out there for the whole world to see.  Therefore, I have compiled a list of the reasons that I love him and of how his nickname is a misnomer....

1.  Depsite the fact that he was less than tickled when I approached him about having kids 14 years ago, he has become the most perfect dad.  While his diaper changing skills left a lot to be desired and he still says "Great Idea" to me when the kids are being hellions, he loves the little buggers and takes superb care of them.  Drama Queen's clothes may not match when he is responsible for getting her ready for school but at least she has clothes on. 

2.  I complain a lot about the way he does laundry but make no mistake about it, clean laundry is clean laundry.  It may be pink when it is supposed to be white and my brown cashmere sweater can now be put on Drama Queen's dolls but it is clean all the same.  It's not put up most of the time but it is clean.  And he is the black sock fairy...he puts my black socks together for work and that rates pretty high on my fabulous meter.

3. He tells me how pretty and skinny I am constantly.  Nuff said.

4.  He loves his family.  The keepers of the farm and Lil Mama are his heart and there is nothing wrong with a boy loving his family.  I have no doubt that when Lil Mama's baby gets here, he will love her to pieces and I am sure that she will love him too.

5.  We haven't had to call a plumber or repair man for the entire span of our marraige (that I can remember).  He is Mr. Fix-it in addition to being Mr. H.B.  And he doesn't just make do either, he does it right!  We have had many conversations about him doing to too right, if that makes any sense to ya'll.  He saves me lots of money in the fixing it arena and I am all about saving a dollar....also rates high up there on my fabulous meter.

6.  Everyone loves him.  Really they do.  I have been trying to can whatever it is that he has so I can make money off of it but he won't let me in on how he does it.  Darn him.....

7.  I tell him all the time that I am going to slit his throat and bury him in pieces in the backyard and he never takes is personally.  In fact, he laughs.  My disclaimer is that I AM KIDDING people!  I love him to death. 

8.  He puts up with me......I flit around from one project to the other and don't finish some of them.  I leave my mess all around half the time.  I am NOT organized.  I talk a lot.  Death marches are fun for me and he goes with me, even though they are not his cup of tea.  I recognize my faults and understand that he loves me in spite of them. 

9.  He has had the courage to stay in the military for so long.  Make no mistake about it....leaving your family for months at a time to do a job in 120 degree heat when people are trying to kill you takes a strain on a fellow.  He always managed to keep his head held high and return home to us.  Wherever he went, he always made sure we knew he was thinking about us.

10.  He loves me.  We have never had a fight in which one of us left and I don't recall many occassions where one of us slept on the couch because we were angry.  We bicker and he makes me mad as all get out, but at the end of the day he is my horse's butt and I certainly couldn't ever love a horse's butt more.

I am busting at the seams proud of the job that he has done over the past 20 years.  The military is losing a good man this week.  I can't wait to see what the next 20 years will bring.

It's summer! Yay!

At my house, summer means that I have to constantly ferry the kids to and from the great Gulf Coast, which may not be so great anymore with all this oil mess, but I will save that for another blog.  As for now, I am riddled with the day to day drone of work and worrying about when the kids are coming to and from Nonna's house.  What I am trying to say is that "THEY LOVE IT THERE!".  Now, this is a good thing for them and for Nonna (if they are being sweet little angels instead of horrid deamons) but I miss them.  Yes, I miss the day to day bicker that accompanies such simple ordinary tasks as who takes a bath/shower first.  (This ordinary task has accumulated so much tormoil that we now have a "bath chart" inside our kitchen cabinet that says who takes a bath first on what day......UGH!).  Even though I miss the little terrorists, I mean angels, I have to agree that life on Nonna's farm is quite interesting.......

The kids have only been gone for like a week and a half.....not much time on the "mom needs a looooong break scale" and already the stories from the farm abound.  For instance, I am in receipt of pictures of both my angels holding sweet, freshly hatched, baby chicks.  The birth of said baby chicks caused quite a ruckus before they arrived since the older hens wanted to sit on the nest and the younger ones did too or some such........(it sounded so much better coming from Nonna).  Never the less, we now have little baby chicks and the kids are in heaven.  Drama Queen is in heaven in particular since anything baby to her is a reason to love.  Which brings me to my next point......

Since Lil Mama is so fond of having people touch her belly (NOT!!!), I decided that it would be just precious if Drama Queen made a point of touching Lil Mama's belly quite often.  Since Drama Queen is attached to all things baby, I thought this would be a perfect opportunity to give her a one-on-one connection to what is soon to be her cousin.  This plan however, backfired since Drama Queen went running for the hills at the thought of touching Lil Mama's belly.  WTH?????  She LOVES babies!  In fact, she worships them.  Her only response to my questions about why she wouldn't touch the baby is that she thought it was gross.  "Gross????  A baby????," I asked her.  She replied that she would hold the baby when "she is delivered" (like the stork is gonna bring her or something).  Having said all of that, I will let you know that I did finally get her to touch the belly of Lil Mama and I am not sure how she feels about it except that she thinks it is weird.  Game Head opted out of this little family nonsense and instead opted for a session on Runescape........ go figure.  After the "touch the belly" madness that played out (on facebook no less,) Lil Mama's status let us all know that she was chasing a chicken around Nonna's yard.  I guess one never does really escape the madness of Nonna's farm.  Truth be told, we wouldn't have it any other way. 

Now, I am off to a hike in the smokies since I am on vacation.  I am so excited I can't stand it!!!  I will have you all know that I am not leading this hike so there is very little chance of getting lost.  (I never say never).  In conjunction with the hike I have been waiting for all my life, Mr. H.B. and I are taking the opportunity to enjoy a little time together while the kids are at Nonna's so we rented a cabin.  I plan to do nothing for the next 6 days except sit in the hot tub and get wrinkled toes (except for the hiking of course).  Wish me luck on the hike.  If we get lost, I am totally opting out of the reponsibility of this one!!  If I don't come back, just assume that Martha Stewart finally found out that I was a threat and she pushed me off of the Alum Cave Bluff overlook.  At least I will be doing what I love ........;)

The Death March from Hell

It was bound to happen that out of all the hiking trips (ok...death marches) that I have taken that one would turn out not so great.  Just so happens that I enlisted many of my good friends to go along on this trip.  It started out innocently enough.  Since we are selling our house and our open house was scheduled for Sunday, I thought that the best way to spend the day away from home would be to take a lovely walk in the woods.  So, I gathered up my peeps and scoped out the best hike for the lot of us.  This is where the trouble started.....

You see, I have been to this place before but the hikes we have taken were along a bluff.  That scared me to death since we would have several small kids with us.  Therefore, I set out to find a wonderful trail that passed waterfalls and was easy and steered away from the bluffs.  According to all the things I read online, this trail met up with the network of all the other trails that looped back around to the parking lot that we started out at.  Great.....sounded like a good plan. 

Sunday morning, we met up at around 10:45 and headed off for the woods.  It was windy but beautiful outside and since we had a torrential downpour and tornado warnings the day before, I was all happy and stuff.  All was going according to plan....there were four adults and five kids in our group and we were meeting up with two more adults and two more kids at the trail head.  We had a picnic planned, plenty of water, and snacks in our back packs.  We were following behind our friend "Trooper" in his truck.  As we were getting off of the interstate, we see a big puff of smoke and some commotion up ahead......turns out the van in front of Trooper busted a transmission spraying his truck with transmission fluid.  Still not that big of a deal but we had to get the stuff off of there none the less and Mr. H.B. was panicking in my car because my gas tank wasn't on F.  He thinks that if you don't have over half a tank that you are on E.  Since we had to stop anyway, we filled up and trooper got some change for the car wash and proceeded to wash the truck.  I should have seen this as an omen but no.....we pressed on. 

We all met up at the trail head and had lunch as planned.  Yay.....now on to the woods.  I picked up the map and actually looked at the trail description of the trail I had been wanting to take.  I didn't actually look at the trail on the map....you see where this is going - no where good.  Anyhoo....we all suited up and headed down the trail.  Did I mention that we had kids with us....ages 5 to 18........and my short little weiner dog??? Yes ma'am, we did!  Now Mr. H.B. must have heard that there was a buffet at the end of this trail because he shot out into that trail like a man on a mission.  Funny thing is that the 5 year old and the 18 year old hung in there with him.....they led the pack and left us in the dust.  We hiked and hiked and hiked and hiked....all the while trying to keep up with the Magellan's that were leading the pack.  After a few short stops and a few hours, I started thinking.....we should be outta here by now and the kids were really getting tired.  We had been hiking steady at near break neck speed and we were now skirting the edges of the Savage Gulf.  I was starting to see land features that surely the indians were the last to see.  Mr. H.B. and two of the boys had been almost flattened by a falling tree and my dog was giving me the evil eye.  So, I pulled out the map.  Now why I didn't decide to do this an hour or so before was beyond me but I didn't.  The more I looked at the map, the more worried I got.  Everyone was snacking and resting all around me and my heart was racing wondering how in the hades I was gonna tell them that we had been headed not in a loop but straight into the middle of a network of trails that stretched on for miles and miles and nowhere near civilization.  Well, there was a primitive campground a few miles up ahead but it was Sunday afternoon.  We had only passed one lone sole in the last two hours.  It was 4:00....p....m....!  WTH!!  I finally summoned up the courage to tell everyone and the panic started.  There were all manners of peeps that we should have been in contact with by then and we were stuck on the top of a mountain with no cell service 5 miles or so in on a hiking trial that led nowhere.  We did manage to get some spotty service on one phone so we called and left a message for one of the daddys that stayed home with a sick young 'un and called the ranger's station.  The ranger's station had an answering machine that said to call the sherrif's dept.  but what were they gonna do?  By the time all that had been accomplished it would have been dark.   The only thing we could do was head back...and fast.  After walking on a little to make sure we were correct about where we thought we were, we all sucked it up and turned around and hauled butt.  I must admit that I felt the evil glares being thrown my way and I am sure that Mr. H.B. and a few others entertained the idea of throwing me off of the mountain.  However, we did manage to get out in 2 1/2 hrs and before dark.  I was never so glad to see that ranger's station....it was like Christmas morning when you are a kid.  All glittery and stuff.....or maybe that was my exhaustion kicking in.

So now I must use this blog for good and apologize to all my wonderful hiking buddies who toughed it out with me (and who didn't throw me over the edge of the mountain).  I will forever be in debt to these people and I am now obligated to find some way to make it up to them and their tired feet.  I know that most of us are more sore than we ever thought we would be.   All in all, we guess that we walked at least 10 miles.  I am pretty sure it was more but we don't know exactly how far into the trail we were.  I think the tick tally is like 50, including my little doggie who had 10 on her.  I may never get Mr. H.B. on a trail with me again and I think it is safe to say that my friends are out too......*sigh*  I guess it is a good thing I am moving to the beach.  We really did have a good time though.  The kids and adults were fabulous.  There wasn't too much complaining and everyone hung in there like troopers.  Even the 5 yo who waited until almost the end before he collapsed and cried, "I just can't go anymore!".

I take the full blame for this death march from hell......and I promise I will never lead another hike that the path is not verified by at least two other people.  I am now thinking though that if I can ever get Martha Stewart to go hiking with me, I will take her here and "get lost".  Maybe I can pick her brain for all her ideas along the way.  I mean, what could be the harm in that?

It takes a village to name a child.....

I have recently been blessed with the knowledge of an impending addition of another member of our family. NO!!!! Not me....my sister-in-law, whom I like to refer to as Lil Mama. Partly because I think it is fitting and partly because she once declared that she would forever be childless. All that changed a year or more ago when she decided that her life needed a little tyrant, I mean little angel. She then turned her focus from declaring war on the corporate world to creating a life. Voila...here we are, five months into the incubating of a sweet little baby. Seeing as how I and Mr. H.B.'s mom are so enamored with babies, I doubt Lil Mama will ever see it once it pops out so I am thrilled!!

Since she is 5 months prego, we do now know that it is a little girl and the planning has begun. We are well into the process of turning Lil Mama from a hard-nosed business woman into a soft-hearted puddle of mush, which we all become once we have our hearts walking around on two sweet little feet outside our bodies. The first problem that we encountered was getting Lil Mama over the "I hate pink so I am going to outfit my little girl in green and blue" issue. Lil Mama has a problem with all things that are girly such as flowery prints, pink, lace, ruffles, and oh yea.....PINK!!! So, the first thing that the Horse's Butt's mom did upon hearing the glorious news of the baby being a girl was to go out and buy a pink blanket and a baby doll. I mean, let's not ease her into this, let's just throw Lil Mama into the middle of the pink lake and let her learn how to swim. Turns out, it didn't make her throw up! This would be success numero uno!!! Yay! Item numero dos was that Lil Mama's best friend bought the baby a sweet little outfit, complete with a giant flower on the butt! Turns out that Lil Mama loved it! Awesome....she's getting there faster than I thought. Item numero tres is the issue of the baby bedding. Since I am a marthawannab, I have convinced Lil Mama that I can make the baby bedding. Don't be scared!!! I made all of the bedding for Drama Queen when she was a baby and several other little one's so I am up for the challenge. The biggest hurdle is getting Lil Mama to steer away from the bedding that is listed under what you would buy for a boy. Not that she wants her baby to be like a boy, she just likes blue, green, brown....you know....colors for a boy! However, after sending several ideas back and forth via email and much searching on her part, she has finally chosen bedding that she likes. And it is adorable! Turns out, it is brown and blue....and covered in flowers. Shows what I know!

All this brings me to the point of this whole blog......the baby name seems to be quite elusive. Turns out, you not only need a village to raise a child, sometimes you need a village to name one. The only names that Lil Mama likes so far are boy names. With the revelation of the ultrasound however, the need for a little girl name has arrived (naturally). For the past few weeks, more and more people have gotten in on the baby naming game. Friends and family members far and wide have been enlisted to submit their favorite girl names in hopes that the "right" name pops up. We all know just how important this decision is. Mr. H.B. fully believes that a name makes a person. For once, I agree with him (somewhat). It is entirely feasible that there is a gorgeous girl out there somewhere named Myrtle but I have yet to meet her. If you know her, please send me a pic. I will gladly send her a tide stain stick (sorry, that's all I got). I desperately feel, along with Nonna, that this baby needs a name now. I have to have something to call her instead of just "baby". The urge to name the little buggar has gotten stronger the past few days and there are names coming out of the woodwork. Tonight, I had Lil Mama on the phone, Mr. H.B. in the recliner googling names, and both Drama Queen and Game Head firing off whatever the names of the kids in their classes were. It was all mayhem and madness on the baby naming front until Lost came on to take Lil Mama away and the kids headed off to bathe and get to bed. There are lists lying all around me like dead bodies of baby names. Yet, we are still at ground zero. Baby naming, as it seems, is a battle field. I seem to remember something like this happening when I was prego with Drama Queen but I am trying to block it out.

So, with no name that is a "go" yet and a baby getting bigger every day, I submit the rules for naming our little cutie....


1. The name cannot be the same as a friend, ex, dog, friend's kid, city, or month.

2. It has to have two syllables.

3. If possible, the first name should end in ....lyn (cause we want it to)

4. If possible, should not be a routine, popular, trendy name. This little girl should have a name that is all her own.

I am sure there are more rules but my eyes are blurred from looking at the web pages and web pages of baby names and the number 4 above is starting to look like a 14. I think I may need to consult Martha on this. I'll bet she would have an answer.....

*I got this image from http://www.tottiteaz.com/new.html and I am totally buying this for little whatever her name will be!

The perils of yardwork

Last Wednesday was the sort of day that made me sure that I definitely wanna become Martha Stewart (not that I had any doubt before mind you, but reaffirmation is nice).  I got up cranky.  Well, I always get up cranky.  I don't sleep enough.  I always have a reason for this but it's really my fault.  My mind won't shut down and I do not encourage it.  I like to a start project late at night or read a book that I just can't put down.  Who can sleep when there are so many more hours left in order to cover more ground.  I mean, I can sleep when I die.  Anyway, I digress.....so, I got up cranky.  Took the kids to school, after much yelling and complaining and got back to the house.  Wednesday's are my day off from the job that helps pay the bills.  These days are chock full of appointments, house work, etc.  They are also Shimmy days but I will save that tidbit for later.  Today's Wednesday was yard work day.  A few weeks ago, everything was brown and wintery..we even had snow.  Yesterday, I noticed that my weeds in the front flower bed almost reached my kid's windows and all my flowers were blooming.  It was truly amazing. 

Off to work I went.....pulled the biggest weeds I have ever seen all morning.  They were tenacious little buggers.  I filled up the wheel barrow and my husband's trailer!  In the midst of the weed pulling, I realized that I had an ant problem.  I have noticed a few here and there inside the house and wondered where they are coming from.  I quickly found that they are living quite contentedly in my flower beds.  So, I put ant killer on my list and continued my laboring.  We have a flower bed full of rocks smack dab in the middle of the yard.  I know a lot of people do this but I hate it.  I HATE it.  That's because I like to plant and replant.  I like to move flowers and shrubs.  Rocks make this difficult.  Also, weeds will eventually grow through whatever kinds of barrier you put under the rocks and pulling them is rough through the rocks!!  Therefore, I have weeds and grass that have a permanent, happy home in the flower bed full of rocks.  Today was the day to eradicate them.  I got out Mr. H.B.s weedeater.  Tried many times to crank the cussed thing to no avail.  Thank goodness I went into the backyard so no one could see me embarrass myself trying to crank it.  After multiple tries to crank it and choke it and all that other stuff you are suppoed to do, I look down and realize it is out of gas.  Great!  Mr. H.B. probably did that on purpose so I wouldn't use it.  I can't be detered that easy!  I looked all over the garage and found the can labeled for the weedeater and filled the bad boy up.  Cranked on the first try if you can believe that.... After getting over my embarrassment at the weedeater incident, I head off to get the weeds I couldn't pull up.  I managed to get all the ones I could but still needed to kill the roots of the little demons in the rock flower bed.  I headed off to Lowe's and bought everything in site.  I don't know if it worked but I guess we will see.  At least I got to visit the plant department at Lowe's.  That place is awesome.  If only I could just bring all those pretty plants and flowers home with me and set them up in the backyard.  Well I guess I could but they call that theft seeing as how I would have to second mortgage my home to buy all that stuff and I would probably just kill it all anyway.

So.......my point in telling all this is that the next day the weedeater didn't work.  I SWEAR I didn't do anythign to it.  However, The Horse's Butt was rather peeved and tried really, really hard not to blame me but I know he is secretly wishing that he had hidden that container of weedeater gas.  As for me, I plead the fifth.  If he had eradicated the little suckers to start with, I wouldn't have had to use the weedeater.  See....it's always his fault.  I am sure Martha would see it my way!

The DOs and DON'Ts of hosting the Dizzle Army

My Dizzle's left today :( which has me waxing nostalgic about their visit.  Therefore, I have compiled a list of all the DOs and DONTs of hosting a visit from the Dizzles.....

10.  DON'T let the Silver Bullet out without a leash  (see the Silver Bullet blog...)

9.  DO buy plenty of food and plan of feeding the likes of an Army.  In fact, I am calling them the Dizzle Army now.  They know how to eat.

8.  DON'T take Bdizzle and Mcdizzle to any more Whisky Distilleries.  Mcdizzle refused to go on the tour this trip because he hated it so bad last visit and Bdizzle now vows she has joined him (she missed it last time).  They think it smells like vomit.  Drama Queen also refuses to go back due to the same reason.  We took her on like 4 distillery tours one summer because we had so many visitors.  Now you can say the words "Jack Daniels" and she turns green.  I think it's funny, I don't know why.

9.  DON'T leave a plastic water bowl in the kennel with the Silver Bullet while you are gone.  It will not be whole when you get back.  She has separation anxiety and takes it out on the plastic.  When I took Pdizzle and Mcdizzle to the park yesterday, I left her a glass bowl of water.  She picked up the towel I left her to lay on and put it in the bowl full of water.  I guess she showed me....

7.  DO take them on death marches.  The only reason I say this is because I like to go hiking and it's a good reason for me to make my family go too.  Bwahahahahahaha......

6.  DON'T take a cranky Pdizzle to dinner and make him sit in a high chair.  He wants his own booth dang it.  If you try to do this he will sling a fork at you.  Been there.

5.  DON'T make any sudden noises at night or early in the morning.   When the Silver Bullet gets startled, she makes Dino from the Flintstones seem tame.  And Mr. H.B. is not really her favorite person so anything he does makes her bark like Dino too.

4.  DO give Pdizzle lots of t.v. safe balls to play with.  He is aspring to be the next great baseball or football hero and I think some major recruiters are after him already judging from the power behind that kid's arm.  (I was going to insert some clever sports players name here but I am sports illiterate for the most part so I refrained so as to not embarrass myself.)

5.  DO make sure you have an Internet connection that can handle some traffic!  I think at one time we had a P.C., like 4 laptops, and a couple of phones hooked up to the wireless Internet.  We were probably all sitting in the same room at one time all on Facebook.  You would think we could just spend time talking to each other but No, not us.

4.  DON'T let Pdizzle know you have the camera pointed at him if you want a good picture.  He's not having it no way, no how.  We finally learned to each take a camera and go at him from all sides.  Worked pretty good.....except when they took family pictures at Rutledge Falls.  Since I was the only one with a camera, it was a little bit trickier.  Yet, somehow we managed to get some good ones of him.  That's skill right there.

3.  DON'T expect to see a lot of Game Head and McDizzle.  They disappeared into "Loserscape" (Runescape) and pretty much stayed there the whole visit.  I'm not complaining, it was entertainment for them....

2.  DON'T let Madizzle and Funkitated near the big exercise ball.  They turned into some kind of weird see-saw while Madizzle was trying to work out the soreness from the death march.  It was kinda hard to watch....even harder to explain.

1.  DO plan on having a good time!  We did, as always, and I can't wait to do it all over again!!!!  Martha surely couldn't have had a better time on her visit to Winchester.  See..... she should have come to see me ;)

Martha must be scared.....

I just found out (thanks Elizabeth) that none other than Martha Stewart herself was in one of our neighboring towns this weekend!!!!  What the heck she was doing smack dab in the middle of TN, idk but I am amazed...especially considering my affinity for her and the fact that I have talked about her almost non-stop for the last two weeks and all you wonderful people have put up with it!  So, all this has me thinking....she had to have been stalking me.  I mean, you all know I am trying to take her down.  I can't say that I blame her....she must have heard about my beer cheese bread.  Surely you could smell it from there!  Surely she asked someone what that wonderful smell was!  AND SURELY someone let her in on my little blog here and she followed the smells wafting from my kitchen and drove in front of my house!!!  I am going to maintain that it happened that way...that's my story and I am sticking to it.  (If she had seen all the sore, aching bodies lying around from the hiking trip as if I had tried to kill them, she may have turned me in to the po po or something anyway so it is just as well I guess).

Here's another thing....how come no one let me in on her visit?  Huh....HUH!!!  She must have let the cat out of the bag that she was intimidated by me and asked to keep her visit a secret from me.  Because we all know that no amount of security or hoards of paparazzi (now you are all singing Lady GaGa in your heads, lol) could have kept me away from meeting my idol.  *sigh*  I guess I missed my big opportunity.  I will have to continue plotting and scheming on how I am ever going to actually meet her and thus have the best chance of showing her that I am better than her and that I am the best choice for the successor to her beautiful, hand-carved, priceless throne.  Oh well, I guess I will get on my big girl panties and deal with it.  Just for the record, if rumor gets around that Martha is afraid to come to Tullahoma, I had nothing (everything) to do with it....;)

Silver Bullets, Death Marches, and Sasquatches

This morning started out good!  It was a lovely day here in TN and we only have those every now and then lately.  I mean, it was snowing two or three days ago.  So for it to get up to the 60s was a God send.  Must have been due to the Dizzle's visit.   So, we decided to make the most out of it. I made us all blueberry and chocolate chip pancakes and bacon and packed us a picnic.  Martha would be so proud! As we were getting ready to leave, I walked outside to see the possum that Drama Queen spotted in our yard (yes, OUR YARD...not on the farm at Nonna's but in our yard this time.  These little buggars are taking over I tell you....).  When I went out, I left the door open.  I am used to doing this as our dog has a shock collar to keep her in the yard.  Well, the Dizzles little dog (pictured above) doesn't of course and she shot out of that door like a bat out of hell.  She's not about hanging around either.  Therefore, Funkitated has aptly named her the silver bullet.  Let me tell you, she earned that name!  She can run like the wind blows.   And when you call her name, she just runs faster!  After many atempts by all to round her up, including her jumping through Madizzle's arms twice, she finally came back and let us capture her.  I am sure the neighbors got a good laugh out of that one as you can imagine it was quite a site.  So, with the silver bullet secured and the cars loaded up, we headed out. 

I'm a hiker.  Everyone knows that but I have an apparant obsession with it.  Therfore, when we have visitors, it is my mission to take them on a lovely walk in the woods.  Mr. H.B. calls these death marches.  They are not that bad, really.  Well...sometimes they are but I try to not do those when we have visitors.  Some of my visitors would disagree with you.  The Dizzles may be feeling that way this evening.  It's not that we went on a long hike per se, it's that we went down to the bottom of a really large waterfall.  It's a great hike....it's just downhill.....and then uphill...... and we had a baby with us.  All things considered, it was fine.  Our legs felt like spaghetti when we got to the bottom, mostly from carrying a 30lb or so baby some of the way down, but everyone made it and no injuries were sustained despite the rather large, sharp rocks that were all around us.  Game Head was on a mission to scale the largest rocks he could find and Drama Queen just keep getting mad that we wouldn't let her take control of the baby and carry him around all day, even though she is only 8 years old.  Funkitated did manage to almost wind up in the creek and I almost got a picture but he righted himself before he could make a splash down much to my chagrin.  I got all excited when I thought I saw a sighting of a sasquatch a couple of times.  So I yelled, "Red Robin".  I did hear back, "Yummmmmm....", but it was just Funkitated and Mr. H.B.  In my defense,  they do look quite a bit like sasquatches.....big feet and all hairy and stuff......at least I was close.

After we left the death march, we proceeded to a couple of more small hiking adventures where we got to see some really great scenery and take some great pictures.  We even crossed some swinging bridges.  Bdizzle and Madizzle swear they will not be able to walk tomorrow and Funkitated has already taken some asprin to thwart the effects of our adventures today.  We tried in vain to get picture of McDizzle smiling but we did wind up with some pics where he was smirking at least.  All-in-all, it was a success!  We came home with everyone and no injuries even though there were a few close calls a time or two....including Funkitated trying to sacrifice Game Head on a big rock and then Game Head trying to do the same thing to his daddy a little while later.  It's a little tradition we have.....I don't know how that one came about.   We are all beat and will probably sleep for like 16 hours tonight.  At least I hope so.  Wonder what kind of trouble we can get into tomorrow?

Dizzles in a can

For those of you who don't know who the Dizzles are, they consist of my sister and her family.  They are on the way from the big N.O. to visit for spring break and are bringing my kids back from Nonna's (H.B.'s mom) where they have been for the past two weeks farming and living the country life.  They also got to visit with my family so they have made the rounds.  Man, I have missed the little buggars!  I gotta get my Martha-ness going because I have been living the kid-less, partying life for the last two weeks.  It's tough getting back in the groove of things and now we are gonna have a house full.  I am SO looking forward to it.  Really I am ;)

So, the Dizzles consist of my sister, her man and their three kids.  I seriously don't know how the Dizzle names originated but it must be from her man's obsession with rappers or something because he named them all except himself.  My sister is Madizzle and her kids are Bdizzle, Mcdizzle, and Pdizzle who is the newest little Dizzle.  Now, her man is Funkidated....so named by Bdizzle.  Yes, I know......strange.  Anyhow, I am just mad that I couldn't name them but I have been threatened within an inch of my life if I do.  Now the Dizzles are crammed in car with Game Head and Drama Queen and all of their belongings like sardines in a can.  This is mainly due to the fact that Nonna's BFF was gracious enough to give Drama Queen lots of clothes and there is only so much room that 7 people (one of them being a baby) and all their belongings can cram into.  They are in good spirits however....I have gotten plenty o updates on the states of the little fishes as they make their way along the 7 hr or so ride.  They are sure to all be in a joyous mood when they get here....bwahahahahahaha!!!  Well, I can hope so anyway.  I am just so very thankful the Madizzle and Funkidated for bringing my babies home.  I am on pins and needles waiting.  Be on the look out for some pretty good blogs coming up as I am sure the next week or so is going to be rich with all kinds of things to blog about.  Now, I am off to consult with Martha's website to see the best way to deal with a house full of company.....Surely she can help me out.  After the end of the week, she may be able to learn a thing or two from me!  :) 

My apparant obsession with the washing machine setting

Tonight's spur of the moment blog has come about because my husband decided to post his facebook status  as follows: 

CONFESSION: I am guilty of leaving the temperature dial on the washing machine on the "WARM" setting. Turns out that by doing this, it throws Steph into some king of crazy, washing machine nazi type of a girl....weird. I just wish she was that passionate about magazines.

I told you all I am like Martha, now you are starting to see... This story begins with our argument that started quite some time ago....

The Horse's Butt has been helping me out a lot for the last four semesters by doing laundry and such around the house.  I am NOT ungrateful...quite the contrary.  I LOVE this quality.  However, sometimes I get a little sideways about the way he goes about it.  I try not to complain...really I do.  Like, I want the long handled spoons in the top rack of the dishwasher because when I pull the top rack out to empty it, if the long spoons are on the bottom, they catch the top rack.  I don't say anything about it until it happens like 10 times and then I usually ask politely if he will put them on the top.  Then, he usually continues to put them on the bottom because he doesn't remember me asking and I wind up getting mad and doing something like kicking the dishwasher (I will save that story for another blog).  Anyway, on to the washing machine.  So, I only wash on cold and hot.  Cold for colors, hot for whites.  I know there are other settings on there but I don't use them.  ESPECIALLY FOR COLORS.  The Horse's Butt uses them all.  We have had several discussions about hot/cold over the last year or so.  Fast forward to our friend Shane's visit several weeks ago.  The washing machine thing came up and I mentioned that I have asked him several times to wash on hot or cold.  He said I was "smoking crack"!  He has NEVER used any other cycle on the washer except hot or cold and he didn't know what I was talking about.  Said we had NEVER had a discussion about the use of the temperature knob.  Now I was livid about this and tried to remind him of the 50 million convos we have had about this but he wouldn't budge.  So, being the calm, collected person that I am, I let it go....for the time being.  But I am like an elephant, I never forget.

Now fast forward to today.  I am pretty caught up on stuff and the Dizzle family is coming this weekend to stay awhile and bringing my kids home from the farm.  So, I start washing bed linens, etc.  Lo and behold....the washer is on warm.  Now, I haven't been washing clothes lately.  So I promptly took a picture (which you see above) so that I can prove to the Horse's Butt that he has earned his nickname.  That was this morning and he comes strutting in this afternoon from work.  I gave him a while to get settled and went for the jugular.....

Me:  "Do you remember that conversation we had when Shane was here about the washing machine cycle and you NEVER put it on warm?"

Him:  "Ummmmmm..........vaguely."

I popped out the picture......

I got a little heated after that so I will skip the rest of the dialogue but the bottom line is this:  He says he put the washer on warm because he was in a hurry to get the load of laundry done and it will fill up faster, thus washing faster, on warm because the hot and cold then run at the same time.  What-eva.  Oh, and he also put it on extra rinse at the same time....because apparantly he saved so much time washing it on warm he can use up that extra time in the rinse cycle.  Does that make sense?  Not to me but what do I know?  He maintains that he doesn't remember the argument in the first place.  I guess when it all comes down to it, the best defense is denial.  He did end the conversation with "I love you."  Everytime he does that it makes me smile and I can't help but not be mad anymore.  Dang him......I hope Martha has more stamina than I do.  I should totally find out how she washes her clothes.

Ode to the Tide Stain Stick

Sorry for the lapse in blogging for the last few days.  Ok, so maybe ya'll didn't miss me but I missed blogging.  I have been busy trying to take over Martha's empire.  I have a grand scheme to take her down while she is jogging outside of her little country that she has set up in the northeast (it's like a country inside of New York for goodness sake and yes I have google earthed it).  I have been using salvaged doghair to fashion a wig that looks just like hers so that I can just take her out and then quickly take her place and jog right into my little empire.  *Sigh*....if only it were that easy.  So anyway....on to the Tide Stain Stick, the greatest invention since bacon flavored salt.  Yes folks, I saw that for sale the other day.  The Horse's Butt is very infatuated with this new invention.  He loves him some bacon.

So..... Tide Stain Sticks should be a staple of every woman's purse!  I, myself, ALWAYS carry one.  It has bailed me out of plenty o' situations.  You see, I am a messy girl.  I don't know if I have a hole in my lip or what but I always get food on me.  I hate to admit it but it is true.  Apparantly that is a problem among us girls as several of my friends have the same problem.  As my friend says, we have a "shelf" that catches everything, some of us bigger than others. Ok, so the Tide Stain Stick doesn't work for everyone.  It has to be used by an accomplished professional.  Use it more than say, 5 or 6 times, and you are an apprentice.  Get to using it on a regular basis and maybe you will attain professional status one day.  I am the queen I tell you!  I have kids, I use it EVERYDAY!  I guess you can tell....I like it.  I recently uploaded a picture of someone using it at work (thanks Donna) to the Tide Stain Stick facebook page and got a coupon for a free Tide Stain Stick in the mail.  Can't beat that with a stick!

Instructions for using the Tide Stain Stick:
Don't be scared to use the Tide Stain Stick.  Get that sucker good and wet (I know that sounds dirty but it's really not....seriously......).  Rub the stain vigorously with the end of the stick (again, get your mind out of the gutter).  The spot will dry.  I will admit that I have found that on some fabrics and colors, a residue will remain.  That factor begs the question, would you rather have spaghetti on your shirt or a spot that looks a little like toothpaste?  Not that this happens everytime....

I am simply saying that a girl can never have a too many weapons in her arsenal of tools and this is a good one to put in there.  Going on a drive, pack the stain stick.  Going hiking in the mountains, pack the stain stick.  Going to embarass the kids at prom by walking them in and taking pics of them at the door, punch bowl, and dancing the first dance, put the Tide Stain Stick in your bra.  A girl can never be too careful.  I think Martha would be proud of me!

Texts from last night and possum stew

Well...the kids are away with the grandparents for spring break which has me missing them pretty bad. Not bad enough to be desperate for them to come home quite yet, but bad none the less. I try to talk to them at night before they go to bed just to tell them good night or what-not but didn't get to last night due to the green beer at Jacks. Darn green beer. Therefore, after we got home I sent Game Head a text to see if he was awake in hopes that I could tell him and Drama Queen "Sleep Tight". Turns out he was awake and, as teenagers always are, he was more than willing to text. Started out pretty normal stuff but quickly got bizzare, which has me wondering how this would look on the website textsfromlastnight.com. Keep in mind that my kids are in the middle of the country in Mississippi and have been planting watermelons and various vegetables all week. That will help explain the following:

Me: R u still up?

Game Head: Yea why?

Me: U R up late. I was just gonna call abd tell u good nitre....love u! (This is actually the way I spelled it....darn green beer)

Game Head: Ditto! Abn and nitre? lol.

Me: Huh?

Game Head: You said "u r up late. I just wanted to call abn tell you good nitre. Luv u!"

Me: Lol...sorry. Typos. Did you have a good day?

Game Head: Yea but it was wet and rainy

Me: Awe...it was here too. Maybe it will b better tomorrow.

Game Head: Holy Crap!!!!!!

Me: Holy Crap what?

Game Head: I muted my tv cause i heard something. It was chickens and dogs and a big ol noise! I woke up nona and we went outside to check. Nothing had happened but theres a possum in the cage! It scared me half to death but its ok now.

Me: Good gracious........the perils of country living.

Game Head: Yea lol i used my ipod light to navigate through the dark house to the chicken yard. We though either a dog or a cyote toughed the hot wire. I think we gotta kill the possum >.< I dont wanna watch! But i think everything will be ok.

Me: Did ya'll get the possum out yet? Who is gonna kill it?

Game Head: No we just discovered it now. Idk pawpaw prob. the one but I hope he just sets it free some where else.

Me: Is it out of the pen? Did Nonna go back to bed?

Game Head: No it was cought on the porch. Those things look crazy! They are big and have a white head! I knocked over a stool why trying to get a better look at them thangs have monster teeth!

Me: Did ya'll have a cage on the porch?

Game Head: Yea beside the cat food cause something was taking nonas kat fewd (I am not making up this spelling o.k.....)

Me: Well I guess it was a possum...

Game Head: Yea but we thought it was mr. Malettes dogs.

Me: so possum stew tomorrow nite for dinner?

Game Head: Ewww no lol

Me: Come on...tastes like chicken if u fry it. I guess Drama Queen slept through all the commotion?

Game Head: Knocked out. What are you doing up so late? Dont you have to work?

This is where I lied and said:

Me: Yep but I stay up this late every nite. U just don't know b/c u r usually asleep. U need to work on that now.

Dude, I can't make this kind of crap up......What an education my kids are getting on spring break....

Another funny thing about possum, my friend Chris had one in his garage last week and had possum stew too. Must be good weather for it. I'll bet Martha would make possum stew too. Mine would be better :)

Happy St. Patty's Day

Top O' the mornin' to ya (that's for you Jenny). In honor of the day that little green men are revered, I have decided to post my ode to all things that I love that are green. This is a blarney good list. (I know that isn't correct but I like the word blarney).

Here is my top ten list:

10. Vegetables: I wanted to just talk about cabbage but I really love most all green veggies. In fact, I can't think of one I don't like. Besides cabbage, I love brussel sprouts, which are really cabbage in my opinion, spinach, broccoli, turnips, well...you get the point. Love 'em or hate 'em, they are good for you. So, there....

09: DVR List button on my remote: It is green and it is fabulous. The best invention ever is the DVR. Thanks to it, I can fuel my love of almost all reality shows, Grey's Anatomy, Brother's and Sisters and too many others. Finding time to watch them is another story but they are there for me when I need them. Now if I can only record, fast-forward, and rewind my life....

08: My green "friar tuck" slipper socks (pictured above): These socks have been thus named this by my horse's butt (my term of endearment for my husband). These socks are ugly. However, I absolutely love them. They keep my feet warm and they are funky. You gotta mix it up a little bit.

07: The great outdoors: I am an avid outdoors person. Hiking is my bag baby! I love to wander around in the wilderness with no where to go. Now that we are done with the snow (I hope), everything is starting to turn green instead of brown. I love it! My grass now has a few sprigs of green in it and they increase everyday. Spring is tha bomb diggity.

06: Green beer and margaritas: These are perhaps two of the best green things. Beer can be any color and it is fabulous. I like American beer but any kind is awesome. I found myself consuming quite a large bit of it tonight. And margaritas.....I don't really need to say anything about them, they stand on their own merit!

05: Recycling: Did I say that I am an outdoors girl? Well, I meant it. What better way to show that you are an outdoors girl than by being green and recycling. I recycle everything that I can. Nothing inflames me more than seeing trash along side the road. I mean....this is 2010......pick up your damn trash. Better yet, don't throw it out your window, take it home, and RECYCLE IT!

04: Mold: Ok, not all mold but most mold goes through some sort of "green" phase. I included this because mold has transformed the world. Penicillin was made from mold and this drug has saved countless lives. Not mine because I am allergic but lots of others. How could I not include it?

03: Money: The best green thing ever....nuff said

02: My kids eyes: Ok, so Drama Queen's are kinda greenish blue but they are still green. And Game Head's are really green. Both of them are beautiful. The color green never looked so good.....

01: Me: This is because I am green with envy over Martha Stewart. When is she gonna step down and realize that I am better than her? Dang.....that girl just doesn't give up. One day she will relinquish her throne to me, I just know it.

So, this completes my list of green things I adore. I am sure there are others but this will have to do for now. Feel free to add your list of green favs as comments. I would love to hear them!

Good luck finding the pot o' gold and don't pinch too many peeps who didn't have the good sense to wear green.

Watch Out Martha.....you have stiff competition!

All this business about Martha Stewart has inflamed my ongoing passion to oust Martha Stewart from her faux antique, freshly crackle painted stool! Not that I dislike her.....on the contrary; I seriously want to BE her. I have spent the better part of my life yearning to make my cakes look better than hers, my floors cleaner than hers, and my herbs greener than hers. I mean, I have more personality, I cook like real people eat, and my scrapbooks can give her a run for her money any day of the week. Sadly enough, I have not quite reached the level of stardom that Martha has (I know you are shocked to hear that) but I am making an effort everyday. Today, I even folded my fitted sheets....how much more Martha-like can I be??? That jealous tirade actually brings me to my more serious point....why does Martha's so called "best friend" find the need to sling more mud at the poor woman???? Doesn't she think that serving time in jail and wearing that seriously hideous pashmina on her way home was punishment enough? (Yes I know she brought that upon herself so stop looking at my blog that way). It has to be the "best friend's" need to gain monetary value and a name for herself that has fueled this tell-all book. Doesn't Mariana Pasternak know that I am trying to make money and become famous by talking about Martha? How dare she take over?

Watch out Mariana for dissing my girl and watch out Martha, you have some serious competition.