Martha must be scared.....

I just found out (thanks Elizabeth) that none other than Martha Stewart herself was in one of our neighboring towns this weekend!!!!  What the heck she was doing smack dab in the middle of TN, idk but I am amazed...especially considering my affinity for her and the fact that I have talked about her almost non-stop for the last two weeks and all you wonderful people have put up with it!  So, all this has me thinking....she had to have been stalking me.  I mean, you all know I am trying to take her down.  I can't say that I blame her....she must have heard about my beer cheese bread.  Surely you could smell it from there!  Surely she asked someone what that wonderful smell was!  AND SURELY someone let her in on my little blog here and she followed the smells wafting from my kitchen and drove in front of my house!!!  I am going to maintain that it happened that way...that's my story and I am sticking to it.  (If she had seen all the sore, aching bodies lying around from the hiking trip as if I had tried to kill them, she may have turned me in to the po po or something anyway so it is just as well I guess).

Here's another thing....how come no one let me in on her visit?  Huh....HUH!!!  She must have let the cat out of the bag that she was intimidated by me and asked to keep her visit a secret from me.  Because we all know that no amount of security or hoards of paparazzi (now you are all singing Lady GaGa in your heads, lol) could have kept me away from meeting my idol.  *sigh*  I guess I missed my big opportunity.  I will have to continue plotting and scheming on how I am ever going to actually meet her and thus have the best chance of showing her that I am better than her and that I am the best choice for the successor to her beautiful, hand-carved, priceless throne.  Oh well, I guess I will get on my big girl panties and deal with it.  Just for the record, if rumor gets around that Martha is afraid to come to Tullahoma, I had nothing (everything) to do with it....;)

Silver Bullets, Death Marches, and Sasquatches

This morning started out good!  It was a lovely day here in TN and we only have those every now and then lately.  I mean, it was snowing two or three days ago.  So for it to get up to the 60s was a God send.  Must have been due to the Dizzle's visit.   So, we decided to make the most out of it. I made us all blueberry and chocolate chip pancakes and bacon and packed us a picnic.  Martha would be so proud! As we were getting ready to leave, I walked outside to see the possum that Drama Queen spotted in our yard (yes, OUR YARD...not on the farm at Nonna's but in our yard this time.  These little buggars are taking over I tell you....).  When I went out, I left the door open.  I am used to doing this as our dog has a shock collar to keep her in the yard.  Well, the Dizzles little dog (pictured above) doesn't of course and she shot out of that door like a bat out of hell.  She's not about hanging around either.  Therefore, Funkitated has aptly named her the silver bullet.  Let me tell you, she earned that name!  She can run like the wind blows.   And when you call her name, she just runs faster!  After many atempts by all to round her up, including her jumping through Madizzle's arms twice, she finally came back and let us capture her.  I am sure the neighbors got a good laugh out of that one as you can imagine it was quite a site.  So, with the silver bullet secured and the cars loaded up, we headed out. 

I'm a hiker.  Everyone knows that but I have an apparant obsession with it.  Therfore, when we have visitors, it is my mission to take them on a lovely walk in the woods.  Mr. H.B. calls these death marches.  They are not that bad, really.  Well...sometimes they are but I try to not do those when we have visitors.  Some of my visitors would disagree with you.  The Dizzles may be feeling that way this evening.  It's not that we went on a long hike per se, it's that we went down to the bottom of a really large waterfall.  It's a great hike....it's just downhill.....and then uphill...... and we had a baby with us.  All things considered, it was fine.  Our legs felt like spaghetti when we got to the bottom, mostly from carrying a 30lb or so baby some of the way down, but everyone made it and no injuries were sustained despite the rather large, sharp rocks that were all around us.  Game Head was on a mission to scale the largest rocks he could find and Drama Queen just keep getting mad that we wouldn't let her take control of the baby and carry him around all day, even though she is only 8 years old.  Funkitated did manage to almost wind up in the creek and I almost got a picture but he righted himself before he could make a splash down much to my chagrin.  I got all excited when I thought I saw a sighting of a sasquatch a couple of times.  So I yelled, "Red Robin".  I did hear back, "Yummmmmm....", but it was just Funkitated and Mr. H.B.  In my defense,  they do look quite a bit like sasquatches.....big feet and all hairy and stuff......at least I was close.

After we left the death march, we proceeded to a couple of more small hiking adventures where we got to see some really great scenery and take some great pictures.  We even crossed some swinging bridges.  Bdizzle and Madizzle swear they will not be able to walk tomorrow and Funkitated has already taken some asprin to thwart the effects of our adventures today.  We tried in vain to get picture of McDizzle smiling but we did wind up with some pics where he was smirking at least.  All-in-all, it was a success!  We came home with everyone and no injuries even though there were a few close calls a time or two....including Funkitated trying to sacrifice Game Head on a big rock and then Game Head trying to do the same thing to his daddy a little while later.  It's a little tradition we have.....I don't know how that one came about.   We are all beat and will probably sleep for like 16 hours tonight.  At least I hope so.  Wonder what kind of trouble we can get into tomorrow?

Dizzles in a can

For those of you who don't know who the Dizzles are, they consist of my sister and her family.  They are on the way from the big N.O. to visit for spring break and are bringing my kids back from Nonna's (H.B.'s mom) where they have been for the past two weeks farming and living the country life.  They also got to visit with my family so they have made the rounds.  Man, I have missed the little buggars!  I gotta get my Martha-ness going because I have been living the kid-less, partying life for the last two weeks.  It's tough getting back in the groove of things and now we are gonna have a house full.  I am SO looking forward to it.  Really I am ;)

So, the Dizzles consist of my sister, her man and their three kids.  I seriously don't know how the Dizzle names originated but it must be from her man's obsession with rappers or something because he named them all except himself.  My sister is Madizzle and her kids are Bdizzle, Mcdizzle, and Pdizzle who is the newest little Dizzle.  Now, her man is Funkidated....so named by Bdizzle.  Yes, I know......strange.  Anyhow, I am just mad that I couldn't name them but I have been threatened within an inch of my life if I do.  Now the Dizzles are crammed in car with Game Head and Drama Queen and all of their belongings like sardines in a can.  This is mainly due to the fact that Nonna's BFF was gracious enough to give Drama Queen lots of clothes and there is only so much room that 7 people (one of them being a baby) and all their belongings can cram into.  They are in good spirits however....I have gotten plenty o updates on the states of the little fishes as they make their way along the 7 hr or so ride.  They are sure to all be in a joyous mood when they get here....bwahahahahahaha!!!  Well, I can hope so anyway.  I am just so very thankful the Madizzle and Funkidated for bringing my babies home.  I am on pins and needles waiting.  Be on the look out for some pretty good blogs coming up as I am sure the next week or so is going to be rich with all kinds of things to blog about.  Now, I am off to consult with Martha's website to see the best way to deal with a house full of company.....Surely she can help me out.  After the end of the week, she may be able to learn a thing or two from me!  :) 

My apparant obsession with the washing machine setting

Tonight's spur of the moment blog has come about because my husband decided to post his facebook status  as follows: 

CONFESSION: I am guilty of leaving the temperature dial on the washing machine on the "WARM" setting. Turns out that by doing this, it throws Steph into some king of crazy, washing machine nazi type of a girl....weird. I just wish she was that passionate about magazines.

I told you all I am like Martha, now you are starting to see... This story begins with our argument that started quite some time ago....

The Horse's Butt has been helping me out a lot for the last four semesters by doing laundry and such around the house.  I am NOT ungrateful...quite the contrary.  I LOVE this quality.  However, sometimes I get a little sideways about the way he goes about it.  I try not to complain...really I do.  Like, I want the long handled spoons in the top rack of the dishwasher because when I pull the top rack out to empty it, if the long spoons are on the bottom, they catch the top rack.  I don't say anything about it until it happens like 10 times and then I usually ask politely if he will put them on the top.  Then, he usually continues to put them on the bottom because he doesn't remember me asking and I wind up getting mad and doing something like kicking the dishwasher (I will save that story for another blog).  Anyway, on to the washing machine.  So, I only wash on cold and hot.  Cold for colors, hot for whites.  I know there are other settings on there but I don't use them.  ESPECIALLY FOR COLORS.  The Horse's Butt uses them all.  We have had several discussions about hot/cold over the last year or so.  Fast forward to our friend Shane's visit several weeks ago.  The washing machine thing came up and I mentioned that I have asked him several times to wash on hot or cold.  He said I was "smoking crack"!  He has NEVER used any other cycle on the washer except hot or cold and he didn't know what I was talking about.  Said we had NEVER had a discussion about the use of the temperature knob.  Now I was livid about this and tried to remind him of the 50 million convos we have had about this but he wouldn't budge.  So, being the calm, collected person that I am, I let it go....for the time being.  But I am like an elephant, I never forget.

Now fast forward to today.  I am pretty caught up on stuff and the Dizzle family is coming this weekend to stay awhile and bringing my kids home from the farm.  So, I start washing bed linens, etc.  Lo and behold....the washer is on warm.  Now, I haven't been washing clothes lately.  So I promptly took a picture (which you see above) so that I can prove to the Horse's Butt that he has earned his nickname.  That was this morning and he comes strutting in this afternoon from work.  I gave him a while to get settled and went for the jugular.....

Me:  "Do you remember that conversation we had when Shane was here about the washing machine cycle and you NEVER put it on warm?"

Him:  "Ummmmmm..........vaguely."

I popped out the picture......

I got a little heated after that so I will skip the rest of the dialogue but the bottom line is this:  He says he put the washer on warm because he was in a hurry to get the load of laundry done and it will fill up faster, thus washing faster, on warm because the hot and cold then run at the same time.  What-eva.  Oh, and he also put it on extra rinse at the same time....because apparantly he saved so much time washing it on warm he can use up that extra time in the rinse cycle.  Does that make sense?  Not to me but what do I know?  He maintains that he doesn't remember the argument in the first place.  I guess when it all comes down to it, the best defense is denial.  He did end the conversation with "I love you."  Everytime he does that it makes me smile and I can't help but not be mad anymore.  Dang him......I hope Martha has more stamina than I do.  I should totally find out how she washes her clothes.

Ode to the Tide Stain Stick

Sorry for the lapse in blogging for the last few days.  Ok, so maybe ya'll didn't miss me but I missed blogging.  I have been busy trying to take over Martha's empire.  I have a grand scheme to take her down while she is jogging outside of her little country that she has set up in the northeast (it's like a country inside of New York for goodness sake and yes I have google earthed it).  I have been using salvaged doghair to fashion a wig that looks just like hers so that I can just take her out and then quickly take her place and jog right into my little empire.  *Sigh*....if only it were that easy.  So anyway....on to the Tide Stain Stick, the greatest invention since bacon flavored salt.  Yes folks, I saw that for sale the other day.  The Horse's Butt is very infatuated with this new invention.  He loves him some bacon.

So..... Tide Stain Sticks should be a staple of every woman's purse!  I, myself, ALWAYS carry one.  It has bailed me out of plenty o' situations.  You see, I am a messy girl.  I don't know if I have a hole in my lip or what but I always get food on me.  I hate to admit it but it is true.  Apparantly that is a problem among us girls as several of my friends have the same problem.  As my friend says, we have a "shelf" that catches everything, some of us bigger than others. Ok, so the Tide Stain Stick doesn't work for everyone.  It has to be used by an accomplished professional.  Use it more than say, 5 or 6 times, and you are an apprentice.  Get to using it on a regular basis and maybe you will attain professional status one day.  I am the queen I tell you!  I have kids, I use it EVERYDAY!  I guess you can tell....I like it.  I recently uploaded a picture of someone using it at work (thanks Donna) to the Tide Stain Stick facebook page and got a coupon for a free Tide Stain Stick in the mail.  Can't beat that with a stick!

Instructions for using the Tide Stain Stick:
Don't be scared to use the Tide Stain Stick.  Get that sucker good and wet (I know that sounds dirty but it's really not....seriously......).  Rub the stain vigorously with the end of the stick (again, get your mind out of the gutter).  The spot will dry.  I will admit that I have found that on some fabrics and colors, a residue will remain.  That factor begs the question, would you rather have spaghetti on your shirt or a spot that looks a little like toothpaste?  Not that this happens everytime....

I am simply saying that a girl can never have a too many weapons in her arsenal of tools and this is a good one to put in there.  Going on a drive, pack the stain stick.  Going hiking in the mountains, pack the stain stick.  Going to embarass the kids at prom by walking them in and taking pics of them at the door, punch bowl, and dancing the first dance, put the Tide Stain Stick in your bra.  A girl can never be too careful.  I think Martha would be proud of me!

Texts from last night and possum stew

Well...the kids are away with the grandparents for spring break which has me missing them pretty bad. Not bad enough to be desperate for them to come home quite yet, but bad none the less. I try to talk to them at night before they go to bed just to tell them good night or what-not but didn't get to last night due to the green beer at Jacks. Darn green beer. Therefore, after we got home I sent Game Head a text to see if he was awake in hopes that I could tell him and Drama Queen "Sleep Tight". Turns out he was awake and, as teenagers always are, he was more than willing to text. Started out pretty normal stuff but quickly got bizzare, which has me wondering how this would look on the website textsfromlastnight.com. Keep in mind that my kids are in the middle of the country in Mississippi and have been planting watermelons and various vegetables all week. That will help explain the following:

Me: R u still up?

Game Head: Yea why?

Me: U R up late. I was just gonna call abd tell u good nitre....love u! (This is actually the way I spelled it....darn green beer)

Game Head: Ditto! Abn and nitre? lol.

Me: Huh?

Game Head: You said "u r up late. I just wanted to call abn tell you good nitre. Luv u!"

Me: Lol...sorry. Typos. Did you have a good day?

Game Head: Yea but it was wet and rainy

Me: Awe...it was here too. Maybe it will b better tomorrow.

Game Head: Holy Crap!!!!!!

Me: Holy Crap what?

Game Head: I muted my tv cause i heard something. It was chickens and dogs and a big ol noise! I woke up nona and we went outside to check. Nothing had happened but theres a possum in the cage! It scared me half to death but its ok now.

Me: Good gracious........the perils of country living.

Game Head: Yea lol i used my ipod light to navigate through the dark house to the chicken yard. We though either a dog or a cyote toughed the hot wire. I think we gotta kill the possum >.< I dont wanna watch! But i think everything will be ok.

Me: Did ya'll get the possum out yet? Who is gonna kill it?

Game Head: No we just discovered it now. Idk pawpaw prob. the one but I hope he just sets it free some where else.

Me: Is it out of the pen? Did Nonna go back to bed?

Game Head: No it was cought on the porch. Those things look crazy! They are big and have a white head! I knocked over a stool why trying to get a better look at them thangs have monster teeth!

Me: Did ya'll have a cage on the porch?

Game Head: Yea beside the cat food cause something was taking nonas kat fewd (I am not making up this spelling o.k.....)

Me: Well I guess it was a possum...

Game Head: Yea but we thought it was mr. Malettes dogs.

Me: so possum stew tomorrow nite for dinner?

Game Head: Ewww no lol

Me: Come on...tastes like chicken if u fry it. I guess Drama Queen slept through all the commotion?

Game Head: Knocked out. What are you doing up so late? Dont you have to work?

This is where I lied and said:

Me: Yep but I stay up this late every nite. U just don't know b/c u r usually asleep. U need to work on that now.

Dude, I can't make this kind of crap up......What an education my kids are getting on spring break....

Another funny thing about possum, my friend Chris had one in his garage last week and had possum stew too. Must be good weather for it. I'll bet Martha would make possum stew too. Mine would be better :)

Happy St. Patty's Day

Top O' the mornin' to ya (that's for you Jenny). In honor of the day that little green men are revered, I have decided to post my ode to all things that I love that are green. This is a blarney good list. (I know that isn't correct but I like the word blarney).

Here is my top ten list:

10. Vegetables: I wanted to just talk about cabbage but I really love most all green veggies. In fact, I can't think of one I don't like. Besides cabbage, I love brussel sprouts, which are really cabbage in my opinion, spinach, broccoli, turnips, well...you get the point. Love 'em or hate 'em, they are good for you. So, there....

09: DVR List button on my remote: It is green and it is fabulous. The best invention ever is the DVR. Thanks to it, I can fuel my love of almost all reality shows, Grey's Anatomy, Brother's and Sisters and too many others. Finding time to watch them is another story but they are there for me when I need them. Now if I can only record, fast-forward, and rewind my life....

08: My green "friar tuck" slipper socks (pictured above): These socks have been thus named this by my horse's butt (my term of endearment for my husband). These socks are ugly. However, I absolutely love them. They keep my feet warm and they are funky. You gotta mix it up a little bit.

07: The great outdoors: I am an avid outdoors person. Hiking is my bag baby! I love to wander around in the wilderness with no where to go. Now that we are done with the snow (I hope), everything is starting to turn green instead of brown. I love it! My grass now has a few sprigs of green in it and they increase everyday. Spring is tha bomb diggity.

06: Green beer and margaritas: These are perhaps two of the best green things. Beer can be any color and it is fabulous. I like American beer but any kind is awesome. I found myself consuming quite a large bit of it tonight. And margaritas.....I don't really need to say anything about them, they stand on their own merit!

05: Recycling: Did I say that I am an outdoors girl? Well, I meant it. What better way to show that you are an outdoors girl than by being green and recycling. I recycle everything that I can. Nothing inflames me more than seeing trash along side the road. I mean....this is 2010......pick up your damn trash. Better yet, don't throw it out your window, take it home, and RECYCLE IT!

04: Mold: Ok, not all mold but most mold goes through some sort of "green" phase. I included this because mold has transformed the world. Penicillin was made from mold and this drug has saved countless lives. Not mine because I am allergic but lots of others. How could I not include it?

03: Money: The best green thing ever....nuff said

02: My kids eyes: Ok, so Drama Queen's are kinda greenish blue but they are still green. And Game Head's are really green. Both of them are beautiful. The color green never looked so good.....

01: Me: This is because I am green with envy over Martha Stewart. When is she gonna step down and realize that I am better than her? Dang.....that girl just doesn't give up. One day she will relinquish her throne to me, I just know it.

So, this completes my list of green things I adore. I am sure there are others but this will have to do for now. Feel free to add your list of green favs as comments. I would love to hear them!

Good luck finding the pot o' gold and don't pinch too many peeps who didn't have the good sense to wear green.

Watch Out Martha.....you have stiff competition!

All this business about Martha Stewart has inflamed my ongoing passion to oust Martha Stewart from her faux antique, freshly crackle painted stool! Not that I dislike her.....on the contrary; I seriously want to BE her. I have spent the better part of my life yearning to make my cakes look better than hers, my floors cleaner than hers, and my herbs greener than hers. I mean, I have more personality, I cook like real people eat, and my scrapbooks can give her a run for her money any day of the week. Sadly enough, I have not quite reached the level of stardom that Martha has (I know you are shocked to hear that) but I am making an effort everyday. Today, I even folded my fitted sheets....how much more Martha-like can I be??? That jealous tirade actually brings me to my more serious point....why does Martha's so called "best friend" find the need to sling more mud at the poor woman???? Doesn't she think that serving time in jail and wearing that seriously hideous pashmina on her way home was punishment enough? (Yes I know she brought that upon herself so stop looking at my blog that way). It has to be the "best friend's" need to gain monetary value and a name for herself that has fueled this tell-all book. Doesn't Mariana Pasternak know that I am trying to make money and become famous by talking about Martha? How dare she take over?

Watch out Mariana for dissing my girl and watch out Martha, you have some serious competition.